I write this on an unusual evening. This is not the norm for me. I'm sitting here at my computer, with tear stained cheeks, red rimmed and swollen eyes, and a pain deep in my heart.
I don't have days, or night like this. In fact, if you ask me most any day how I'm doing....you'll hear "Fantastic!" or "No complaints here!" or "Living the dream!". And I say those thing with all honesty. To be truthful, I can't even remember the last time I had a bad day.
But tonight I sit here, conflicted. I don't want to say that it's been a bad day. But, yet here I am, crying, and I have been off and on for the last 2 hours.
Today, God told me no. I had prayed for weeks for something. An opportunity that I thought He had given me. Something I thought I really wanted. An opportunity, that if granted, would allow me to feel even more restored and separated from my past. An opportunity to do something I had never dreamed I would be allowed to do again. But after praying and even fasting for days upon days, God said no.
The dark voices from my past, the demons from those days, have surfaced today. They are saying things like, "You stupid girl. How did you ever think you....with your messy past....could have an opportunity like that? You are ruined. No one wants someone like YOU to be in a position like that!"
I let these words sink in longer than I should have. I entertained that message for too long. I allowed myself to wallow in that darkness. BUT then God intervened and reminded me of the TRUTH.
God does not limit me. He does not confine me to my past and keep me from prospering and being used. He has BIG plans for me and if I am willing, I can be used in a GREATER way than even this afore-mentioned opportunity could offer.
So let's evaluate today from a different perspective. All in one day, today, I received 6 different messages from people saying that they have been inspired by me and my story. Three of those people told me how good I am at what I do: my writing of these blogs, the content I create, and my podcast. One person even told me I'm their "hero"! Who??? Me??? It's as if God was sending these comments my way to remind me that I'm already being used to do His good work.
You see, that opportunity wasn't what He wanted for me. He has something BIGGER and BETTER planned. And as I sit here now, writing this, one week later after writing those first few paragraphs, I see it much clearly. That opportunity would have actually LIMITED ME. It would have smothered my ability to speak boldly of my past, my journey, my story. I didn't see it at the time. But I see it now, one week later.
What a difference a week can make, when you allow yourself to open up and accept something, and then intensely seek the meaning and purpose behind it. What I once thought was me being limited, held back by my past...I now see as a way to remain free and uninhibited. I am thankful that I was told NO. It wasn't the right position for me and for what my purpose is. But had you asked me one week ago, I felt completely and utterly devastated.
Sometimes, when we are down here on this earth, living this crazy thing called life, we don't understand why things happen or maybe why certain things DON'T happen. Maybe we have asked God for days, weeks, months, or even years for something.....yet to no avail. He still says "no" or "not yet" and we feel limited and held back. And this doesn't always make sense. But you can feel confident of one thing. God wants nothing but the best for us. In Jeremiah 29:11, the Bible says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I choose to believe that. I put my faith and trust in that truth.
Maybe it's time to change your perspective. Maybe it's not that God is limiting you or holding you back, but instead....He is getting you ready and keeping you available for something so awesome that you just can't even see it right now. That's me. Mark it down. Something big is brewing in my life right now. Something I can't even imagine or yet see. But it's coming. And I'm ready. So let's do this. As my daughter Madison would say (watch video below-sound on)…..